People who experience normal clinical depression may also experience existential issues related to the meaning of their life in the course of psychotherapy to treat the depression. It's a void to fill - and for some of us, that void is a black hole. Crosby , "There is no justification for life, but also no reason not to live. I'd had therapists of various stripes on different occasions, and a few really horrible runs at trying drug therapy. The most sublime, duplicitous weapon of depression is denial. I come across as having my life together. The effort is just becoming too much. It is because of the struggles that the result is all the more sweeter, if you can appreciate it at all.
Feb 26 Existential Nihilism: It has been terrible and horrible and exhausting. Learning to care for yourself is hard enough without having to learn to take care of something completely dependent on you for food and safety and love. That we must recognise the meaningless of our existence, accept it and move on. I used to appreciate things, and Christmas presents was exciting. That should lighten your mental load somewhat. Where "the story" is life around me. You're a good writer. You may feel this way today, but five years from now, your life could look a lot different, and it's probably worth sticking around to find out. And wanting to save myself from it, I'm actively trying to look for answers, or invent answers, without success. A lot of people don't have much choice in their lives. But it feels like a real fight—as if there were something really wild in the universe, which we, with all our idealities and faithfulnesses, are needed to redeem. Many people in your position would feel just like you do. Sexual attraction is like a livewire to desire. His first book, Sartor Resartus, has, at it's heart two chapters; "the everlasting nay" and "the everlasting yea" which cover, with some humour, the authors loss of faith and personal crisis. I can get that way too. But you say, right there in your question, that you have lots of things going for you. Not killing yourself because you couldn't do that to your parents is a perfectly good reason to stay alive. A friend said, "If there is no point and it's meaningless, then that means it's equally meaningless to 'succeed' as it is to 'fail'. I get embarrassed talking to my therapist about it because I feel like an angsty 17 year old when I do - but the meaninglessness of life is a real and true source of depression and anxiety. It's not a civil right. I'd had therapists of various stripes on different occasions, and a few really horrible runs at trying drug therapy. It gives me a bit of hope. I no longer feel like screaming so much or curling up in a corner. It took a while to find the right one. And for good reason - I felt a lot of pain and it was overwhelming. I'm still a nihilist, I still struggle some days, but the good news is that yes, people like us can enjoy life even though it doesn't have inherent objective meaning.
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Nihilism and Depression
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